Authority: dealing with the psychological advantage parents have over their adult children.

Introduction

    The reason for adding this subject to the web-site has been my observation that many viewers have hit on the page "resolving your guilt feelings" which has been both somewhat surprising and instructive, indicating to me that the problem of guilt feelings is common amongst adult children and why that is true should be briefly addressed.  Many guilt feelings that adult children have can be traced to a struggle for authority between them and their parents.  That struggle begins at infancy and accelerates through adulthood and continues until both parents and adult children are mature enough to be able to treat each other as equals. (Even if they may not be equal).  Hopefully, that day comes sooner rather than later.

Why parents have authority over us? 

     The Bible teaches that children are to "obey your parents in the Lord: this is right." Eph. 6:1

     They accepted responsibility for us at conception and ushered us into the human family.  We are free to make a lot of choices in life, but choosing our parents is not one of them.   At birth we have "rights," but no authority only the power of persuasion and influence by crying to express a needs or wants.   

    We learn quickly in infancy that it is right and best for us to submit to their authority.  They have our interest and welfare at heart, and we feel secure under parental authority.

    We are instructed in the Bible to obey our parents.  To do otherwise is disobedience to God and His Word.  It is, therefore, a God given authority, not to be taken lightly.  The exercise of authority not tempered by love is prone to abuse.  "A man, proud man, dressed in a little brief authority, plays such fantastic tricks before high heaven as make angels weep."-- Shakespeare

    While living under our parents' roof, we should, therefore, live under their authority.  The extent to which that authority is exercised is essentially predicated upon the age and maturity of the child living in the home of a parent.  The average age of children still living in their parents' home is  27years old.  Many children, well into adulthood, will push the envelope of parental authority as far as they can, often resulting in conflict and thus guilt feelings.  This is especially true of the "baby boomer generation" now in their early seventies, who need aging parents to share with them that which was earlier autonomous authority.  Our parents brought us into this world, and history proves we will likely have a significant role in ushering them out of this world.

As adult children, how do we sucessfully cope with parental authority?

    Understand and accept the fact that parents desire and deserve as much control over their lives as possible, even at some risk.  Point out potential threats to their safety or welfare, but do not become overly protective.  Place great credence and value on their opinions and what they want.

     Resolve to persuade them to treat you as an equal, not as a subordinate.  Parental love is unconditional; however, their trust and confidence in you has to be earned.

     Lovingly point out the things they now need help in doing. Make a list of those things you can do that will assist your parents in maintaining their independence.  Review with your parents what and how things have changed, necessitating your greater involvement in their lives.  In doing so a common saying among the developmentally disabled is apropos here; "To do for me what I can do for myself is to sin against me."  Encourage your parents to "keep on keeping on" doing the things in the home and yard they enjoy doing as long as they are able. 

" I hear you son; SQUISH, Oh really dad "!

     Understand that parents having relinguished authority over you, they none-the-less continue to retain the right and opportunity to influence your decision making.  Friendy persuasion through reasoning dialogue is always better than the hammer of arbitrary authority.

     Don't take parents' anger as personal.  Their anger is often indiscriminate, striking out against anyone or anything with no particular target. It is hard for them to acknowledge the fact that they are not what they used to be, accept their children's help, and adjust to a "new normal."

    Learn to accept disagreement with your parents without feeling guilty. It is O.K. and not a sin to differ with your parents.  It is a sin to drop anchor and harbor your anger beyond sunset.  Ephesians 4:28; "Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger."

                                                                                                    Conflict resolution between parents and adult children                                     

     Differences of opinion need not, but often do, lead to conflict.  Keep "short accounts" by immediately dealing with the problem. Timely, clear communication is the life-line of a good relationship between a child and parent.  Procrastination will make matters worse and only make resolution more difficult.  Insist on talking about important issues about which you differ.  " Silence is not golden" when issues can result in conflict. They need to be addressed; to not do so only deepens the misunderstanding, causes emotional harm, and can polarize parent and child.  Following the "conflict trail" between parents and adult children most often leads to the issues of conduct, money or authority.

     When giving advice to a parent, couch the words in the form of a suggestion, not a command.  Parents are much more receptive to suggestions.

     Don't react in kind should parents express anger..  The Bible says, "A soft answer turneth away wrath."  Respond with poise and humility, which is strength under control.

     Don't let a parent badger or manipulate you into submission by using the club of money, memories, or memorabilia.

     Be quick to acknowledge that you could be at fault and the catalyst for the conflict.  That acknowledgment, along with a good attitude, will disarm your parent and plant the seed for resolution and healing.  Looking upon the needs and interests of parents, as more important than your own, will mitigate conflict.

Comments or question E-Mail chaplainrinks@careofagingparents.com